Yoga at the Scene of the Accident
On December 29th I was traveling to Ames via I-35.  The visibility was poor, but the road seemed fine.  All of the sudden in front of me were what looked like a sea of taillights. I braked and felt like an ice skate.  No stopping.  I pumped the brakes, stomped the brake……then BAM! I was hit from behind.
     Immediately I had a searing, pulsing sensation the length of my spine. I was dazed and frozen. I was holding my breath and had to intentionally will myself to breathe.  The pain was significant and I began to panic and thoughts of clients I work with that have been in car accidents danced in my head.  Traffic was moving at a snail pace and I knew I could not get out of my car assess the damage.  As I crept along I saw multiple cars in both ditches.  Some were crying, some struggling to get doors opened, others staring.
     I got my wits about me and knew I needed to calm myself. I could sense clenching and tightening everywhere in my body, but most significantly in my low back and neck. I started with measured easy inhale…..exhale……inhale…..exhale. My heart rate slowed, my hands stopped gripping the steering wheel.  I began tiny cat/cow movements as I sat there. Each breath I felt a release of tension.
     I made it through the pile up and drove the remaining few miles. I kept myself calm, but I did hear a recurring thought, “You are going to be hurting”! When I arrived at my destination I continued to do very gentle movements that eventually grew more “normal” in range. I enjoyed the rest of my day……but was aware of each time my thoughts returned to the incident my body would tense up. The body/mind connection is a powerful thing!
     I’m so grateful I had these tools and believe my outcome would have been vastly different had I gotten caught up in the fear of what MIGHT happen. It is said that the subconscious mind does not know the difference between real and make believe! So if our thoughts are in a pattern of ruminating on what has happened, or what COULD have happened, the body will react, powerful information.
     I’m well, my car not so much.  I’m trying to stay with the feeling of gratitude that I emerged unscathed……with SO many cars and such a busy interstate. I was driving Michaela’s little Nisaan. She pointed out that her guardian angel pin from her Grandma hung on the rearview mirror.  Thanks Grandma!

My yoga retreat to Iceland was more than just a trip.  It marked a significant milestone in my healing.  May of 2007 was the lowest, darkest period of my life.  I was in so much pain, had a urinary catheter implanted through my abdominal wall into my bladder, felt overwhelming depression and hopelessness.  It was that month ten years ago that I finally agreed to the InterStim implant, something that was being held out as my last possible chance for being able to void normally.  I'd resisted it because I thought if that failed, then what?

The surgery involved implanting a pacemaker type device into my upper buttock, wires that led to my sacral nerves and was attached with four electrodes.  That's a LOT of hardware under the skin.  The first test was declared a failure after two weeks.  The procedure was repeated on the opposite side and also deemed a failure.  So I thought that was it.  I had been getting aggressive urinary tract infections and running out of antibiotic options.  Hospital stays, 14 day outpatient infusions, not being able to urinate, sit or wear clothing without being in severe burning pain.  Did I mention this was a dark time in my life??  I decided that I would not treat the next infection and hoped my life would end without too much pain.  I wrote letters for my daughters and husband and waited for the end.

I was working with a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who taught me a technique from ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) that involved "just dropping the rope."  I was in a constant tug-of-war with the pain and the self-talk about what my life would be like with this pain. After this surgery I just surrendered.  I "dropped the rope", ending my fight with the pain. And quite surprising to me, my suffering eased a bit.  Not the pain right away, but definitely less suffering.  It would take another six years to get completely out of pain, but eventually, using a variety of treatments, I did!  My yoga therapy training in 2012 was the thing that finally got me across the finish line!  My new motto became #nopainnopain

So this Iceland trip was a celebration of taking back my life.  Persistent pain can rob you of your personal sense of power and control. I sat for seven hours on an airplane without pain or stiffness.  I used to cringe at the thought of how much pain I was going to be in at a school concert, swim meet, show choir or ballgame. As I got off that flight and started walking pain-free, I noticed how many passengers were groaning and limping, walking stiffly along and I felt tremendous gratitude for the many gifts chronic pain gave me.  

I took back my life.......and May for 2017 I celebrated this milestone! #nevergiveup #alwayshope